Mystery of the Random Chests
by Shark
Summary: Navi on coffee? Link falling out of his house? Random Chests everywhere?? How much funnier can you get? Okay you can get funnier but this is my first Zelda fic. Please R&R :D Now introducing a brand spankin' new chapter 4!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: This is my first time writing one and I already hate disclaimers! I don't own anything Zelda here so don't sue me.  
  
This is my first zelda fic so go easy on me please :)   
  


**Mystery of the Random Chests   
**  
Chapter1:   
  


It was a typical morning in Kokiri Forest. The sun was just rising over the treetops as Navi flew towards Link's three house. Navi has spent all night at Starbucks Coffee overdosing on caffeine.  
  
HELLO LINK! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! IT'S THE MORNING SO GET UP!!!!! Navi yelled at Link who was lazily sleeping in his bed.  
  
Link mumbled, Stupid alarm clock... as he swatted his hand down onto Navi sending her tumbling to the floor.  
  
OUCH THAT HURT! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN!' GET UP NOW!! screeched Navi in an extremely high pitched voice.  
  
The cow inside Link's house mooed.  
  
Link sat up in his bed and yawned I'm up now... Link stepped out of his bed and looked around his room. He took a step forward and accidentally stepped on Navi who was still on the ground.  
  
Navi Screamed in pain  
  
Ahhh Re-Dead! Link yelled, thinking Navi's scream was from a Re-Dead (you know, those mummy things that scream). Link panicked and ran out of his house. He tripped over something on his balcony, and fell off. Link screamed as he fell to the ground 10 feet below.   
  
Mido, who always makes fun of link, saw what happened and ran over to the front of Links house.   
  
Oooohhhhh.... my head... moaned Link  
  
Well, well, well, what do we have here? Why if it isn't Mr. No Fairy Who Now Has a Fairy Wimpy Boy. Well Link, how many times have you fallen out of your tree house now? Two, no three hundred times I think. Hmmm let me check, Mido sneered as he took out his _How Many Times Link Has Fallen Out Of His House _Checklist_. _ Hmmm let's see... you have fallen out 306 times so... this is your 307th time, Mido added a check to his checklist.  
  
Why you little bonehead! Give me that check list! Link yelled as he jumped at Mido's _How Many Times Link Has Fallen Out Of His House _checklist.  
  
Ahhhh! It's diseased! Mido yelled. He yanked the checklist out of Link's way. So what did you trip over this time? A mushroom? A frog? A leaf?? Mido continued to sneer.  
  
It was a... Link trailed off as he looked up towards his house. He followed the ladder up to his balcony with his eyes and then saw.... A TREASURE CHEST?!?!?! Link shrieked in surprise. What in the Triforce is a treasure chest doing up there?!  
  
Maybe some smelly ogre from outside of the forest came and put it there for you as a gift because all the friends you have are ugly smelly things just like you! Mido laughed at Link.  
  
Link scanned the forest from the way you leave the forest into Hyrule to his house. Link noticed that there was a trail of treasure chests leading from his house all the way out of the Forest into Hyrule. I think you maybe right Mido Link said.  
  
Of course I am right! I am never wrong! You are the one who is always wrong! Mido laughed.  
  
I better go find out who is leaving all these treasure chests behind before someone else trips over one and falls out of their house, Link said adventurously.  
  
Mido yelled You can't leave the forest! If we leave the forest, we die!  
  
You really believe the crap the teach you in school, Mido? Boy your dumber than I thought. I have been out of Kokiri forest plenty of times and never died. Here why don''t I show you, Link said. Link grabbed mido by his shirt and started dragging him across the forest to the entrance into Hyrule Field.  
  
Let me go you stupid little freak! Mido kicked and screamed as Link dragged him.  
  
Just for the heck of it, Link kicked open one of the chests that was leading out of the forest to see what was inside. Hey look, a brand new sword! Link delighted. Link kicked open a few more chests but there was just hearts in them.  
  
Hey, you can't leave, said the boy who guarded the entrance/ exit of Kokiri Forest. Link pushed him out of the way and carried Mido, who was kicking and screaming over a bridge out of the forest with him.  
  
Hyrule field was a site to behold. Miles of nothing but rolling grassy hills and a castle in the distance. Link let go of Mido and said There there, now that wasn't so bad was it?  
  
Several Stalchildren (the skeleton thingys) popped out of the ground in front of Link and Mido. Ahhhhhh ugly boney freaky monsters!!! Mido shrieked as he ran back into the forest.  
  
Hey these guys are a easy to beat up Mido... Link trailed off. He didn't really care about Mido anyway. He turned his attention towards the skeletons.  
  
Eh he he he he he! one of the stalchildren laughed in its usually annoying high pitched voice You are no match for us peasant boy! The stalchildren both raised their boney hands ready to attack Link.  
  
Link yawned and used his brand spankin' new sword to chopped off the nearest one's arm.  
  
It shrieked, Boy, you are very skilled with a sword. It must have taken years of training for you to get that good in using it.  
  
Nope, I just found this a few minutes ago, Link replied. He then proceeded to chop both of the stalchildren into tiny bits. Boy that was easy, Link said to himself. He took a step foward and tripped over another chest. he yelped. Geeze who is putting all these chests here?! Link yelled out into Hyrule Field. He gasped at what he saw. There were treasure chests randomly placed everywhere all across Hyrule Field. They went as far as he could see. Okay I am going to see the janitor about this! Link said to himself as he walked off towards Hyrule Castle Town where the Janitor's office was.  
  
  
-Well what did you think? Hope it was funny. I plan on continuing it. This is my first Zelda Fic. Please R&R (read and review) :D


	2. Chapter 2

Holy Crapola! How long has it been since I wrote the first chapter of the story? 10 months, dang! It's been sooooo long. And now due to popular demand, little ol' lazy me is writing the 2nd chapter of this story. Can you believe it? Cause if you can't, you are an idiot because here's the 2nd chapter right here! Right in front of you so how can you not believe it exists?! And now on with the 2nd chapter of....  
  


**Mystery of the Random Chests  
  
**Chapter 2:  
  


yelled Link as he tripped over yet another chest. This must have been the 30th, no 31st chest Link has tripped over since he left Kokiri Forest and set off towards Hyrule Castle Town to see the Janitor about all the random treasure chests everywhere. Link was halfway to the town, only another 31 chests to go. The sun was rising over Hyrule Castle signaling the start of the day. Geeze how many days has it been since I left the forest? Link asked himself, Three so this is the fourth day. What I don't get is how can 4 days go by when I've been only walking.... and tripping.... for THREE FRIGGIN' MINUTES?!?!?!?!? Link was baffled by how the days and nights can go by so fast.  
  
This is a video game you moron! yelled the sun, I go up and down as fast as the programmers program me too, geeze you are an idiot.  
  
Link tried to pronounce, What's that? Wait a minute! The sun can't talk... eeeeeeekkkkkkkkk! Link tripped over another chest.  
  
Well watta you going to do bout it punk? taunted the sun. You wanna fight, I'll kick ya ass!  
  
Fine, bring it on! Link taunted back. Link pulled out his bow and an arrow and shot the sun.   
  
said the sun as it fell down beyond the horizon, defeated. The moon suddenly popped up into the sky and it became night time.  
  
Link trailed off, That was just about the strangest thing that's happened to me since Gannondorf coughed up green blood...... now I just want to get to that Janitor and figure out where all these chests..... Link stopped suddenly while taking a step forward realizing that he almost tripped over another chest. I'll take this a little more carefully so I don't trip over anymore of these stupid chests. Link took out his sword and ran like heck towards the town holding the sword out in front of him. Stalkids begin to pop up out of the ground now that it was night but Link just got chopped to itty little bits with the sword that he was holding in front of him.  
  
He finally reached the moat surrounding Hyrule Castle Town, surprisingly without tripping over any more chests. Hmmmm.... maybe the secret of getting around obstacles in life like the chests is just to run past em and forget they ever existed..... no too philosophical. Link told himself. There was one more problem, the drawbridge into the town was closed because it was night and only opened in the day. Link spent several hours trying to climb to the top of the wall surrounding the town but he would always trip over a chest and fall off into the moat. Finally a thought popped into Link's head after hours of getting soaked. _Maybe philosophy will work, if I run, jump over the moat and pretend the drawbridge doesn't exist, I might run past it like how I ran past the chests. _Link thought his idea was brilliant. He positioned himself before the closed drawbridge and started running towards it. He took a flying leap over the moat which he surprisingly cleared and pretended to ignore the closed draw bridge that came ever closer to his face as he jumped. SMACK! Link smacked hard into the wood of the drawbridge. He slowly slid down the upright back of the drawbridge, making an annoying screeching noise, into the moat. _I'm such an idiot _thought Link as he pulled out the Ocarina of Time and proceeded to play the Sun's Song which changes night to day and day to night. The sun came up, with a bandage on where it was shot with the arrow, night turned to day, and the drawbridge lowered down.  
  
Finally I can get inside Hyrule Castle Town and talk to the Janitor about these stupid chests! screamed Link at the top of his lungs. Some random useless pointless people were walking out of the town across the drawbridge. They gave Link a strange look after they heard him scream which made him feel embarrassed. Link then tripped over another randomly placed treasure chest as he crossed the drawbridge making the moment even more embarrassing. The random useless pointless people picked up their walking pace to get away from Link and were gone soon afterwards.  
  
Link walked into the town soaking wet and bruised but no one seemed to notice that or the fact that treasure chests were randomly placed all over the place. Everyone seemed to be about their usual things which bartering, talking, chasing chickens, and one bald guy kept running in a circle over and over again carrying a bag. Now where was the Janitor's office? Link asked himself, It was where the old Happy Mask Shot used to be   
  
Link remembered the Happy Mask Shop, it went out of business because it had the worst way of selling stuff. Link went into the place once long ago and the crazy mask salesman wanted Link to borrow masks and sell them to people. Since Link was lazy, he didn't do it and since he was the only customer the place ever got, it went out of business. Soon after the Janitor moved his office there from some hole in the ground (there are a lot of holes in the ground in Hyrule)  
  
Link walked up to the Janitor's office and looked up at an new sign above the building. The sign read _Starbucks. _ screamed Link in frustration, I went through all that to get to the Janitor's office and it got turned into a coffee shop! Link's anger became even greater, And this is the place Navi always goes!! Stupid Annoying Fairy!!! I hate Navi, I hate Starbucks, and I hate all these randomly placed treasure chests everywhere!!!!!! Link stopped screaming at the top of his lungs and looked around expecting everyone to be looking at him like he was an idiot. Everyone kept doing their own thing as if Link never was there. Link furiously entered Starbucks with the intent on burning it down.  
  
Inside Starbucks there were a few people sitting and drinking coffee. There was non other than the great Navi flying behind the counter. She noticed Link who was red with anger standing at the entrance ready to cast Din's Fire. She flew over to him and said HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN LINK!!!! HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW SUPER UBER COOL STARBUCKS!?!?  
  
Link turned around in shock but only muttered, I hate you Navi..... under his breath.  
  
IT IS SOOOOO GREAT!! Navi screeched, high off caffeine, I JUST GOT MY PAYCHECK FROM THE FAIRY PARTNER JOB I DID WITH YOU AND IT WAS SOOOOOO MUCH MONEY! I COULDN'T DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITH THE MONEY, I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN MY TWO FAVORITE THINGS WHICH ARE ANNOYING THE HELL OUT OF YOU!!! AND DRINKING A TON OF COFFEE!!! SO I FINALLY THOUGHT, WHY NOT DO BOTH, SO I BOUGHT THIS PLACE FROM THE JANITOR AND SENT HIM OFF TO SOME RANDOM AFRICAN COUNTRY, I FORGOT WHERE, SO YOU'LL NEVER FIGURE OUT WHERE ALL THESE CHESTS ARE COMING FROM AND I CAN NOW DRINK AS MUCH COFFEE AS I WANT!!!!!!! AREN'T I SOOOOOOOOOOOO SUPER SMART?! HUH?! HUH?! I GET TO DO BOTH OF MY FAVORITE THINGS NOW BECAUSE I BOUGHT THIS PLACE AHAHAHAHHAH! LALALALALALLALA!  
  
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shut up! Link screamed at Navi, Shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! Link grabbed a cup of coffee and chucked it at Navi.  
  
Navi screeched as she ate the cup, coffee and all in one gulp in mid air. I NEED MORE COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Crash! A treasure chest fell through the roof of Starbucks right on Navi smashing her into the ground. Several more treasure chests fell through the roof, hitting the ground in random locations. The few people inside Starbucks ran (and shook because they had too much caffeine) around in circles in terror.  
  
For once, an semi-intelligent thought popped into Link's head:_ If I go outside and see where these treasure chests are falling from, I might be able to see what is dropping them and find out who it is behind the whole random chest thing.  
  
_And now started a new two part adventure for Link which we shall read about.....  
  
  
  
  
Right Now!!  
  
Part One:  
Link opens the door of Starbucks.  
  
Part Two:  
Link Steps outside.  
  
And that's the conclusion of Link's great adventures for now. Stay tuned for the 3rd chapter (don't worry, i'll write it in less than 10 months). So watcha think? Please R&R!


	3. Chapter 3

Here's Chapter 3. Thanks for all the praise and fame and telling me how crappy my grammar is! Can't think of much to say. As for the guy who likes commas here's plenty --,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, that enough for you? Good now on with the fic! Oh yeah and it didn't take me 10 months to finished this chapter!  
  


**Mystery of the Random Chests  
  
**Chapter 3:  
  


Link barley made it out the door of Starbucks Coffee when a giant treasure chest (the biggest Link has ever seen) fell onto Starbucks totally destroying it. It was raining treasure chests everywhere and everyone was screaming running for cover trying to avoid getting hit by treasure chests. Link was about to take out his ocarina and play a Navi is Dead victory song when he remembered he was trying to do something. Now what was I doing? Link asked himself, hmmmmmmmmm..... I forgot.... Bang! A treasure chest fell straight on top of Link's head. Oh now I remember! shouted Link, I came out here to see where all these chests are coming from! I'm so smart!  
  
Link was about to look up when a huge crowd of panicked people, who were trying to escape from the raining chests, trampled him. Link had the pleasure of getting stepped on by 30 different people and learning what Hylian Shoes: Version 2.1.5a tastes like.  
  
Run for your lives! one women shouted after stepping on Link's face.  
  
The end is near! an old man shouted after he stepped on Link's right hand.  
  
Great ugly mother of Gannondorf! a castle guard shouted. Everyone looked back frozen with fear.  
  
This gave time for Link to get up and see what was going on. Ooooooohhhhh my head, neck, left leg, right foot, back, face, and right hand... moaned Link. He raised his bruised head. Link screamed when he saw what all the other people were looking at. It was Britney Spears! Everything after that happened in slow motion.  
  
Britney Spears started running, in slow motion, towards the crowd of people, that Link was in, screaming in a low pitched voice (Low pitched because of the slow motion).  
  
Why is everything happening in slow motion? I didn't play the reverse song of time. wondered Link, who was not in slow motion. Everyone started running away from Britney Spears slowly. This gave time for Link to move out of the crowd, now that they were going so slow. Then Link realized that Britney Spears wasn't the thing people were freaked out by. Behind Britney Spears stood the chicken that people were chasing earlier and above it a treasure chest was falling, ever so slowly. Link knew all too well, what happened when the chickens of Hyrule get hurt. Oh crap... was all Link could muster when everything suddenly snapped back into full motion.  
  
Everyone panicked three times as much, and ran away faster than Link thought normal people could run, as the treasure chest came crashing down onto the chicken. crowed the chicken in pain. Out of nowhere hundreds of chickens appeared and start charging at the nearest living being with blood lust. It just so happens that Britney Spears was the closest one. The hundreds of chickens started attacking Britney Spears. Link lost sight of Britney in the furry of feathers. Within seconds the chickens scattered, randomly attacking other people, leaving no trace of Britney Spears. Even her breast implants were gone (Well they were in the chickens stomachs.... but it's best not to think about that).  
  
The chickens also proceeded to attack the treasure chests that were randomly littered around, probably for trying to hurt that one other chicken. Eeeek! Ouch! Stop that you stupid chickens! screamed the treasure chests as they all got up and ran away leaving no treasure chest around.  
  
One of the chickens charged at a hylian guard who was trying to fend another chicken off. The chicken smashed the guard hard with one peck, he stumbled back and fell face first into the ground. crowed the guard. Suddenly, out of nowhere, hundreds of guards appeared and they started charging at the nearest living chicken with blood lust. Hyrule Castle Town exploded into open warfare between all the hylian guards and all the chickens.   
  
Damn chickens! screamed Link as unfortunate guards and chickens flew over Link's head in the fighting, They had to scare away all the treasure chests leaving me still unable to figure out where they are coming from. If I never figure out where the chests are coming from I'll be tripping over them for the rest of my life.....  
  
crowed a chicken as it flew straight at Links head, intending to decapitate him.  
  
Link screamed as he tripped over a chest that was running away from the chickens.   
  
The chicken barley missed Link's head as he fell and flew straight into the spear of a hylian guard. I got one! I got one! delighted the guard who really didn't do anything but stand there.  
  
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr damn chests and chickens!! Link screamed in rage. Link got up and started attacking the nearest chicken. His sword had no effect on the chicken so Link took out his bow and shot the chicken with an arrow, that also did nothing. Why is it that I can't ever kill those damn chickens! Of all the things I can't kill! Why does it have to...... Links screaming was cut short by 5 chickens that charged Link. Several guards came to Link's rescue and impaled 4 of the chickens with their spears. Link smashed the last one with the Megaton Hammer. All the chicken did was crow, summoning even more chickens. _Okay, I've had enough, I'm going to see the King about the dang chests,_ thought Link.   
  
The summoned chickens attacked the guards that where trying to save Link. In turn, the guards crowed, summoning more guards. The newly summoned guards attacked the chickens.  
  
Link stormed out of the town and towards Hyrule Castle. Feathers, spears, and both chicken and hylian heads flew through the air behind Link as he left. Link was glad to escape the chaos of the battle. The town behind him was nothing but a blur of battle and soon erupted in flames. Link picked up his pace along the path towards the castle to get away from all the chaos.  
  
In the distance Link heard a familiar voice. Check... check... check.... check, check, check, check. It was Mido who was adding many checks to the _How Many Times Link Has Fallen Out Of His House _checklist.  
What are you doing here Mido? asked Link, I thought you were too scared to leave the forest.  
  
Well well well if it isn't wimpy Linkey boy! If you must know, I left the forest to come make fun of you! because I have absolutely nothing better to do, humph! screeched Mido in his usual annoying voice, Let's see.... you've tripped over 98 chests today alone.... A new record! sooo...  
  
Link began  
  
Silence, you are before the great Mido! Mido screeched, Mido added another check to the _How Many Times Link Has Fallen Out Of His House_ checklist.  
  
That''s the _How Many Times Link Has Fallen Out Of His House _checklist, not the _How Many Times Link Has Tripped over a chest _checklist, stated Link.  
  
Are you calling me an idiot? Mido asked.  
  
Of course! you are the biggest idiot I have ever met, Mido. You are just about as smart as one of the rocks in front of your house. Wait no, those rocks are smarter than you! yelled Link.  
  
Mido was about to open his mouth but then he remembered, Hold on, let me look at my Insult List. Mido put away his _How Many Times Link Has Fallen Out Of His House _checklist and pulled out several pieces of paper from his pocket. He sifted threw them looking for the perfect comeback. Link you are.... an ugly.... spider poopy...... stupid twiggy..... no goody.... dumb fish! Mido read off from his Insult List.  
  
That was lame.... Link replied.  
  
Boom! Hyrule Castle Town suddenly exploded sending the bodies of guards and chickens flying everywhere. The body of a guard and chicken landed right in-between Link and Mido.  
  
Oooohhhh my rectum... moaned the guard, apparently alive.  
  
Cluck cluck cluck... cluckity... McCluck.... moaned the chicken, also apparently alive.  
  
Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh freaky moaning men and feathery things flying through the air! Mido shrieked as he ran back towards the direction of the forest.  
  
Link helped the guard up, who thanked him. The guard killed the chicken, because Link couldn't, and then set off back towards the town to survey the damage.  
  
It's all those dang treasure chests' fault, Link complained to himself, If they never came around, I would have never tripped over any, I would have never fallen out of my house attracting Mido's attention, and the whole crazy chicken thing would have never happened! I'm now going to see the King about this at once and figure out what's going on!  
  
What will happen at the castle?  
Will Link ever find out what's going on?  
What will Princess Zelda think of all this? (Well it is a Zelda story so I got to put her in here somewhere)  
Find out in our next chapter.....  
Chapter 16! wait.... no it's Chapter 6... no 3... no 5.... OOOOOOOOHHHHH I KNOW! It's chapter 4! yeah that's right! So ummm go ahead and give me reviews!


	4. Chapter 4

This chapter is nice and long thanks to me having nothing better to do than write this pure utter nonsense!  
  
**Mystery of the Random Chests_  
_**  
Chapter 4:  
  
Mido ran as fast as he could back to Kokiri Forest. It was night again and he was being chased by line of 20 stalchildren. Mido screamed as he barley missed tripping over a chest.   
  
He could hear all the Stalchilderen's high pitched He he he he's get closer as he ran.  
_  
Why am I scared of these stupid things? Me, the great Mido a coward like Link? I'll show them who's boss! I'll do to them just what I did to Link! _thought Mido. Mido turned towards the perfect line of Stalchildren coming at him and muttered One chest after another fell on the line of stalchildren, making boney crushing sounds. When the last stalchild was squished there was a perfect line of treasure chests. Mido smirked to himself........  
  
**_MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER PLACE MIDO ISN'T IN AND PROBABLY WON'T BE FOR THE NEXT MINUTE!!!!!!_**  
  
Link snuck past the guards and made it to the halfway mark between the Castle Gate and Hyrule Caste itself. screamed Link as he tripped. Link picked his face up out of the dirt and looked at what he tripped over, expecting to see another treasure chest. Instead he saw a Hylian Guard. DId I just trip over a guard?! Link said to himself, Didn't the guard even see me? Am I getting stupider? Well let's find out.  
  
Link pulled out a Super IQ Meter 2000.5 and scanned himself with it. The Super IQ Meter 2000.5 read Your IQ is 32.  
  
Nope, my IQ's just the same as it always been... Link muttered to himself. He then proceeded to scan a nearby rock. The rock's IQ is Zero read the Super IQ Meter 2000.5.   
  
Hello guard? Link asked the guard. The guard just stood there staring off into space. Excuse me.... but did I just trip over you? Link continued. The guard continued to stare off into space as if Link weren't there. Hello???? Are you an idiot!?!?! Can't you see I just tripped over you!!!! Link shouted into the guards face.  
  
The guard sneezed.  
  
I knew the guards around Hyrule Castle were dumber than me.... but geeze..... Link muttered to himself. Link then decided to scan the guard with his Super IQ Meter 2000.5. The numbers on the Super IQ Meter 2000.5 started shooting down into the negatives, far beyond anything Link could count too. Link shoved the Super IQ Meter 2000.5 in his left ear (where do you think he keeps all his stuff?) and continued on his little trek to the castle passing by the super dumb guards absolutely unnoticed.   
  
Link just got to the drawbridge when he heard a voice, Hey you stop right there.... Link turned and saw a man wearing a uniform being confronted by a guard.   
  
Hmmmm mighty dumb aren't we today? the man wearing the KFC uniform asked the guard.  
  
No, but your mom will be dumbstruck' when I'm through with you.... grumbled the guard. The guard raised his spear right above the man's head.  
  
the man chuckled. Can't you tell why I'm here? The guard continued to grumble angrily under his breath. The man wearing the KFC uniform continued, Why I'm here to save you from this chicken problem you seem to be having, see I'm here to collect the chickens for frying so people can eat them....  
  
I don't care what you are here for, no one is allowed into the castle, to fry chickens or to take over Hyrule! stammered the guard.  
  
Fine then we'll just have to do this the easy way, the man went on, I'm going to use my greatest power! Bad Jokes!!! This is the KFC specialty joke, deep fried! The was about to bring the spear crashing down on the man's head when the man began, A man walks into a fan shop and asks the salesperson Can I get a new fan? I don't like my old one,' and the salesperson asks why?' and the man goes My old fan blows'  
  
The guard dropped the spear right then and his eye's glazed over. He began to stare off to nowhere. Hehehe it worked perfectly. This place is such a mess with all these strange people, creatures, and treasure chests, but they have so much chicken. The man drooled, Yes yes yes soooo much chicken, KFC has fallen on hard times, heck they can't even use the name Kentucky Fried Chicken anymore because we can't even make real chicken anymore.... but now we'll be able to make tons of it! Hehehehe so much money! Pity I have to use the secret KFC Guy Mind Trick.... oh well these peoples' intelligence will return within a few years or so.... hehehehe.  
  
Lower the gates! yelled the KFC man. The drawbridge into the castle surprisingly lowered, the gate keepers afraid of the KFC guy's power.  
  
Link, equally surprisingly watched all this unnoticed, walked into the castle too.  
  
Who are you.... the KFC guy finally noticed Link but couldn't finish his sentence because they were suddenly surrounded by 20 guards shouting at them to surrender. Did you hear the joke about the broom? It is sweeping the nation! the KFC guy pulled off another KFC Guy Mind Trick. The guards stopped suddenly and fainted at how bad the joke was. And now for you, the KFC guy turned to Link.  
  
Oh my god your jokes are so terrible, growled Link reaching for his sword, I should kill you on the spot for how bad those jokes were.... Link was interrupted by a very loud and very low pitched laughing.  
  
Muhahahahahhhah KFC guy, KFC guy, KFC guy.... bellowed the King of Hyrule as he entered the super great entrance hall of Hyrule surrounded by all his goonies and guards. The King was very fat and had a very long beard.  
  
You'll let the chickens go or it'll be the end of you! yelled the KFC guy.  
  
The King continued to bellow.  
  
screeched Princess Zelda in a high pitched voice. She was standing next to the King and seemed very small compared to him.  
  
Fine then... continued the KFC guy, What happens when you throw a red rock in a green sea? It gets wet.  
  
Several of the people around the King screamed or fainted at how bad the joke was.  
  
Weak minded fools, it is a KFC Guy Mind Trick! The King said in his rather loud voice.  
  
You can either profit from this or die! screamed the KFC guy, trying to be louder than the King.  
  
The King took intentionally took a big hard step forward vibrating the castle with a huge seismic shock wave. A trap door fell open under the KFC guy and he fell in screaming. Everyone started cheering and going towards some grated holes in the floor to see what happened to the KFC guy. Link followed everyone else and peered through the grated floor, eagerly waiting to see what horrible fate will become of the KFC guy.  
  
KFC guy, KFC guy, Kill the KFC guy, Muahhahahahhhaha! Bellowed the King.  
  
Everyone cheered even louder watching the KFC guard in the pit he has fallen in. There were several bones in one corner of the pit, while in the other a lot of blood. I gate opened on one side and a giant Chicken stepped out. Link began to cheer along with the rest of the crowd.  
  
Cluck cluck cluck, clucked the giant chicken.  
  
squeaked Princess Zelda.  
  
The KFC guy threw every bad joke he had at the giant chicken but it didn't do a thing as the Chicken came nearer and nearer to him clucking in hunger. Lucky for everyone else, there was lots of cheering so no one had to hear the jokes. The KFC pulled out a giant speaker and yelled through a microphone into the speaker, everyone just kept cheering, the chicken getting ever closer. Wait! What I have to say isn't a bad joke.  
  
Everything stopped at once as if time stood still, no one cheered and the chicken stopped clucking and getting closer.  
  
Look doesn't anyone think that this seems a little too much like Star Wars? the KFC guy asked over the speaker. Link scratched his head, wondering what Star Wars was.  
  
No one made a sound except the King, Who cares? You are an idiot, now everyone continue cheering, and chicken, eat the damn moron already! Muahhahahahahaha! Time seemed to start up again as everything obeyed the super duper authority and obesity (no offense to fat people, the King is supposed to be absurdly fat that no person can amount to his weight) of the King of Hyrule.  
  
The giant chicken pecked the KFC guy several times hard into the ground and everyone cheered. He rolled to the side dodging another peck from the chicken and pulled out a cash register. He began yelling out loud to himself as if he was casting a magic spell Welcome to KFC, how can I take your order?! Oh you would like a #4 Super Chicken Delight, Extra Crispy! That will be 12 rupees please! Thank You! The KFC guy pushed a button on his cash register and the giant chicken instantly turned into Super Chicken Delight, Extra Crispy.  
  
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Boooooooooooo! The King booed rather loudly. Everyone, including Link started booing too.  
  
The KFC guy pushed another button on his, seemingly magical, cash register and the grate in the floor flew off and he, with his cash register, flew out of the pit to right in front of the great huge King of Hyrule. I told you, my king, that you would either profit from this or die. It seems that you have chosen death. The king too a step back, afraid. The KFC raised his hand, ready to push a button on his magical cash register when 30 guards rushed him. How many Hylian Kings does it take to screw in a light bulb? 125, one to hold the bulb and 124 to turn the caste! Ahahahahhahah! the KFC guy mind tricked. The nearest guards fainted, the rest either became stupefied or ran away in horror. The KFC guy started ranting, Ahahahhahahahahah there is no resistance to KFC, this world will be ours just like so many others full of plump, delicious, spicy, and extra crispy chicken! Your defenses are terrible, easily overcome by a bad joke! ahahahhahhahahha!  
  
SHUT THE HELL UP! screamed Link in a furry. Link pulled out his sword and stabbed the KFC guy in the chest.  
  
The KFC guy directed all his attention at Link. Ouch that hurt! Well angry aren't we?! No we're hungry. Hmmmm you'll make a great Extra Spicy Chicken Meal.... no how about a 24 Chicken Wing Basket with extra sauce on the side! the KFC guy was thinking of what button to push on his magical cash register.  
  
LINK'S RIGHT, SHUT THE HELL UP! bellowed the King who proceeded to have a nice comfy sit on the KFC guy. The KFC guy was instantly reduced to a smatter of purple primordial ooze on the floor. All the King's guards and goonies became bored because it was all over so they all left leaving Link, Zelda, the King, and the KFC Guy (as purple primordial ooze) in the great entrance hall of Hyrule Castle.  
  
Link looked at the King, cranking his neck to see all of him and asked, Why didn't you do that to Gannondorf?  
  
Because Gannondorf didn't try and take all the chickens in Hyrule! The King responded.  
  
Why do you care about the chickens so much? Link asked.  
  
Because, my dear boy, I eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I live off a steady diet of Hyrule Cucco's, replied the King.  
  
Your diet is nothing but chickens? asked Link.  
  
Why yes Link, what do you think a King of my size eats? I ate almost all the cows in Hyrule until I realized that I wouldn't be able to have milk if I ate all of them up. Anyway.... why are you here Link? the King asked.  
  
Well I'm trying to figure out where all these damn treasure chests are coming from. Link responded.  
  
Why don't you go ask the Janitor about that? asked Princess Zelda.  
  
I tried but Navi screwed everything up and sent the Janitor off to Africa..... so I thought you guys might be able to help me, Link Said.  
  
I think I know what's going on with the treasure chests, said Zelda, I think it's time for us and Link to have _THE TALK._  
  
Yes yes.... _THE TALK.... _Link all this is partially our fault I'm sorry to say.....mumbled the King.  
  
What do you mean by _THE TALK_? Link asked.  
  
The King began, Well Link, when a male and female treasure chest love each other very much.... they umm.... have baby treasure chests.  
  
asked Link scratching his head.  
  
Well how else do you think more treasure chests are made? They don't just appear out of thin air ya know, the King went on, We have secret Treasure Chest Farms where we breed treasure chests and place the treasure chests with useful objects in them in the dungeons around Hyrule. We do this incase some dope like Gannondorf comes along so an average moron like you could save us and be hero.  
  
I'm nothing more than a moron? screeched Link.  
  
Why yes of course, answered the King, We royals got too lazy saving our own asses all the time so we created our Treasure Chests Farms so we can sit back while people like you do all the work for us. There was a problem though..... a few days ago one of our farms got out of control and the treasure chests started reproducing rapidly..... someone must have messed around with them.... several of the chests escaped and.... well you get the idea right?  
  
Link was scratching his head so the King explained to Link everything 20 more times until Link finally understood what the King meant. Link finally realized everything.  
  
So we got to figure out who's behind messing around with my farms and stop them, Link, so the treasure chests don't keep multiplying or Hyrule will turn into one big giant Treasure Chest!  
  
No way! gasped Zelda.  
  
said the King as he pulled out a treasure chest from one of his giant pockets and put it on the ground in front of Link, I think you get the idea.  
  
Link was scratching his head while the King turned around and walked down the hall. The castle shook with every step he took. Link turned to Zelda and asked, Why are the halls so the castle so big?  
  
Oh that's because my father is so huge, Zelda replied. Zelda then motioned to the chest in front of Link.  
  
Link walked up to the chest and tripped over it. Link screamed as his face went splat into what was left over of the KFC guy. Link got up wiping the purple ooze off his face.  
  
Your supposed to open the chest, Link, that's why my father gave it to you, Zelda laughed.  
  
Link kicked the chest open and pulled out a stick. What the heck am I supposed to use this for? Link asked Zelda.  
  
Why it's supposed to help you tell if a chest is in front of you so you don't trip over it, Zelda continued to laugh.  
  
How does it work? Link asked while studying the stick.  
  
You wave it around in front of you to feel around for chests, Zelda explained.  
  
Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh I see, Link understood. Zelda turned and walked down the hall leaving Link all alone. Aren't you going to help me out? Link called to Zelda.  
  
No way, last time I tried helping you out with Gannondorf and all I had to dress up as a MAN! Zelda yelled back, Sorry but if I help you out this time, goddesses know what I'll have to dress up as then.  
  
Link stood in the giant enterance hall alone for a little while until a thought formed in his head. _I'll wander around Hyrule until I figure something out. It always works.  
  
_So Link left the castle to wander around Hyrule, waving his newley earned stick around in front of him to keep from tripping over treasure chests.  
  
What will happen now that Link has the untlimate new gadget, a stick?  
Will Link ever find anything out by wandering around aimlessly?  
How many more chests will Link have to trip over to figure out what's going on?  
Find out in our next chapter!  
As a super secret I'll tell you what the next Chapter will be named! You will be on of the few lucky ones to know before the chapter comes out. The next chapter will be named: Chapter 5! WOW! Isn't that amazing?!! Yup is sure is.... so please review!


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry for the long update..... I promise to get updates out wayyyy more often nowadays because I have nothing but free time.  
  
**Mystery of the Random Chests**  
  
Chapter 5:  
  
Link has been wandering for weeks, although it seemed more like just an hour and a half. Day turned to night and then night turned to day in only a few minutes. This occurrence still baffled Link but he preferred not to remember what happened between him and the sun. Link considered the sun talking quite disturbing so he tried not to think about how fast the days and nights went by.  
  
**_Meanwhile at the Castle  
  
_**The King of Hyrule was sitting at a table surrounded by many of his royal yes men. So I gave Link a chest with a stick in it! He actually thought it was going to help him out or something. BWAHAHAHHAHA! What a moron! The King bellowed. All the yes men laughed with him in a strange synchronized way that only royal yes men laugh. He must have actually thought I was helping him too! the King laughed. The yes men laughed along with the King.  
  
**_Meanwhile in some random spot in Hyrule Link wandered to_**  
  
CLANK! Link's new amazing stick hit something hard in front of him. Link looked down to realize he almost tripped over a chest. Boy the King's a genius, Link said to himself, This stick is the most amazing advanced piece of equipment I've ever used! Link smiled thinking that the King's generosity is only dwarfed by his sheer size.  
  
Link carefully inched his way around the randomly placed treasure chest and continued on. Link said to himself, Damn, I've been wandering for a while, wandering is supposed to help me figure out what's going on. Why isn't it working? It should wor..... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Link screamed as he fell through a hole in the ground. Falling into holes was something Link did quite often so he was quite used to it. Link landed with a thud on his rear end.   
  
Wha? Where am I? Link asked into the darkness. He looked around and could see nothing but pitch black. He looked up but couldn't see the hole he fell though. There was nothing but blackness. Link took a step forward and tripped over something. Link screeched in pain as he hit the ground.   
  
screamed the person Link tripped over.  
  
Huh? What? Who? Link was confused.  
  
It'sa me! Mario! the person yelled excitedly.  
  
It's you? The janitor? I thought you were in africa! What are you doing here.... whoahaha Link stumbled in the darkness, How am I supposed to see you? It's so dang dark down here!  
  
Do whata you alwaysa doa, Link, Mario, the janitor replied.  
  
Attack and kill stuff? Link asked.  
  
Mario replied in the darkness.  
  
Link took out his sword and slashed at the darkness. The darkness screamed in pain. The darkness slashed at Link sending flying back into more darkness which slashed at him some more. Link pulled out his shield to defend against the darkness but it was dark everywhere.  
  
Link screeched as the darkness slashed at him again making him topple over. Link jumped back up and swung his sword at the darkness several more times. The darkness screamed in pain and fled in terror.  
  
I'll be back, this isn't the end.... The darkness snarled angrily as it fled.  
  
The area was suddenly filled with light as the darkness fled. Everything was made of stone. The walls, ground, ceiling, and even the one door the room Link was in was made of stone.   
  
Link took a good look at Mario, _Great goddesses! This guy looks weird! _was all Link could think. Mario was a short fat man with a mustache who was wearing overalls. On top of his head was a red hat with a big M on it. So what does the M on your hat stand for? Link asked Mario.  
  
Mario just looked at Link funny and then said Let'sa go! and jumped off (rather high) towards the one door in the room. Youa better goa firsta Mario pushed Link through the door.  
  
The room looked exactly the same except inside was a treasure chest in the middle guarded by a fearsome Iron Knuckle. Link drew his sword and shield and prepared for the Iron Knuckle's attack but it just stood there. Link eyed it suspiciously. The Iron Knuckle simply stood there. For a whole 20 minutes Link looked at the Iron Knuckle waiting for it to do something but it stayed motionless.  
  
I think it'sa just a statue, Mario whispered from behind Link.  
  
No, it's a bad guy. Iron Knuckles attack you with big fat axes and it really hurts, Link said to Mario.  
  
But ita hasa no ax, Mario pointed out.  
  
They can make them appear out of thin air by snapping their fingers, Link said. Mario let out a small laugh of disbelief. For another whole 20 minutes Linked looked at the Iron Knuckle.  
  
HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!? came the high pitched screeching voice of Navi. She flew out of a dark corner. IT'S A STUPID IRON KNUCKLE, THEY DON'T MOVE UNTIL YOU WHACK THEM!!! ISN'T THAT FUNNY!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
So...... where did you come from Navi? I thought you got squished by a giant treasure chest, Link said as his hands went to his bow and arrows so he could shoot Navi.  
  
Navi squealed, WELL IT WAS REALLY DARK UNDER THAT BIG CHEST SO THE DARKNESS TOOK ME HERE BUT THEN YOU DEFEATED IT AND I WAS FREED SO NOW I'M BACK AHAHAHAHHEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEH SO DO YOU HAVE ANY COFFEE?????? OR MAYBE JUST PURE CAFFEINE??????  
  
Link notched an arrow and took aim with his bow. Wowa thata thing is more annoying thena Toad! Mario exclaimed.  
  
Navi went on NEED NEED NEED COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAHHAHAHAHAH LALALALALLALALA HEY LOOK AN IRON KNUCKLE YOU CAN WHACK THEM IT'S SO FUN LALALLALALALAL LET'S WHACK THE IRON KNUCKLE BECAUSE IT IS SO FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEY MAYBE IT WILL GIVE US SOME COFFEE!!!! WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT?!?!?!?!?!?! Navi gave the Iron Knuckle a tiny slap with her tiny hand.  
  
Anda dumber thena goomba, Mario continued insulting Navi.  
  
The Iron Knuckle sprung to life. it groaned. Navi continued screaming about coffee. The Iron Knuckle was about to take a swipe at Navi but realized it had no big fat ax.  
  
Link was taken aback by the awakening of the Iron Knuckle. He threw his bow and arrows onto his back and drew out his sword and shield ready to fight the Iron Knuckle.  
  
the Iron Knuckle grunted. It raised it's hand in the air and snapped its fingers to summon a big fat ax...... but no ax appeared. The Iron Knuckle grunted in anger. Navi continued to yell about coffee. The Iron Knuckle snapped its fingers again and again in vain trying to make an ax appear. Suddenly 50 big fat axes appeared above the Iron Knuckle and Navi (The Iron Knuckle snapped its fingers 50 times). The axes fell, squishing both Navi and the Iron Knuckle under their great weight.  
  
Mario exclaimed. Well thata solves thata problem.  
  
Link walked up to the treasure chest but stopped suddenly before he got to it. Link said as he pulled out his stick. Almost forgot about this. Link walked up to the chest and poked it with the stick several times. Okay good I won't trip over it.  
  
Mario, in one swift jump landed right next to Link. What'sa ina there? Mario asked.  
  
Link shrugged and opened the chest. He said Looks like a dungeon map. The map showed the first room which was labeled _Moron Falls Through Hole Here. _A door led to the next room which is labeled _You Are Here Moron_ and a door from that room led to the last and third room labeled _Super Secret Boss Lair That Even A Moron Can Find. _Link scratched his head and figured that he could go through the door into the 3rd _Super Secret Boss Lair That Even A Moron Can Find _room.  
  
Link shrugged, him and mario went through the door to the last room. The door slammed shut behind Link and Mario.  
  
The room was pitch black. Link waved his hand around in front of his face but couldn't see it.  
  
I told you I would be back! the darkness called to Link. The darkness attacked this time by kicking Link in the shins.  
  
Link screamed as he started hopping around in pain.   
  
It's a so darka! Mario jumped up and down trying to attack the darkness. The darkness kicked Mario in the shins too and mario continued to jump, this time in pain.  
  
The darkness was everywhere so there was no escape. Link put his shield in front of his shins but the darkness kicked him in the butt. Link pulled out his sword and randomly stabbed at the darkness. Because it was everywhere he couldn't miss.  
  
Ouch ooch eeech oooch ouch! The darkness screamed in pain. Aahahhaahahah I'm not going to flee this time! The darkness slashed at both Link and Mario.  
  
Suddenly Link came up with a good idea for once. He notched a light arrow in his bow and fired into the darkness. The light arrow illuminated the darkness like a light bulb turning on with the flip of a switch.  
  
The darkness called out. Its screams got quieter and quieter as the darkness faded from the room.  
  
Whata _brighta_ idea! exclaimed Mario.  
  
Link looked around the room but couldn't see much because the room was mostly taken up by a giant treasure chest.  
  
Wowa thata looksa like the mother ofa alla treasure chests! Mario said.  
  
Link walked up to the chest and pulled out his stick Best not to trip over this big chest, Link said as he looked up at the chest which was at least 3 times his height.  
  
Suddenly the chest jumped in the air and time seemed to stop. Small words appeared in the middle of the air that said Container of Objects and bigger letters appeared under those that said **The Mother Of All Treasure Chests**. Link knew immediately that the giant chest was the boss of the (rather small) dungeon. Time snapped back to normal and the chest flew straight at Mario.  
  
Mario yelped as he jumped out of the way just in time as the chest landed with a loud bang.  
  
The chest then did something unexpected, it spoke, in a feminine voice, Ahahahha so foolish of you to _drop_ in! I am The Mother Of All Treasure Chests.  
  
Link raised an eyebrow Spock style.  
  
The chest went on, I guess your feeble mind cannot comprehend the fact that I am a mother! I give birth to all treasure chests! After I was freed by SOME PERSON I hid here from those lazy royals. We are through being used by you pathetic hylians, now that we are free, Hyrule is ours!  
  
Whosa the husband? Mario couldn't resist asking.  
  
The Father Of All Treasure Chests, the chest responded. You Link, the chest directed its attention at Link, The tripper of trippers have caused enough trouble for my children, YOU SHALL TRIP YOUR LAST TIME!  
  
Link pulled out his stick and yelled I am not afraid of you! With this stick you cannot make me trip!  
  
What a stick???? Ahahahahhaha what do you think you're going to do with that? The chest laughed and charged at Link.  
  
Link held his stick straight out to meet the oncoming giant treasure chest. The chest smashed into the stick, shattering it into hundreds of pieces. Link yelped in surprise as the chest smashed Link straight into the wall behind him. Now I know what it feels like to be a pancake, Link moaned. The treasure chest smashed the wall with Link several times with its great weight for added effect.  
  
Ahahaha Hyrule will be ours soon! Now that you stupid tripper will be out of the way, our plans were go through without more delay! It's all thanks to THAT PERSON who freed us! The chest bellowed with triumph.  
  
Suddenly a portal opened and Bowser, the Koopa King, stepped out. Well well well where have you been? Bowser asked Mario. I'm due to kidnap Princess Toadstool at 5 o' clock, so we better get going back to the mushroom kingdom for some power star collecting.  
  
Buta me Bowser, wersa fighting a boss righta now, soa pipe off Mario said.  
  
Yeah pipe off, the chest said to Bowser.  
  
No one told you to speak, bitch, Bowser torched The Mother Of All Treasure Chests with his fire breath leaving nothing but a pile of ashes. Bowser then pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Mario. See it's in the schedule, I kidnap the Princess at 5 and you collect 70 power stars and come throw me into some bombs, got it?   
  
Mario nodded and said Let'sa go! Both Mario and Bowser jumped through the portal. The portal closed behind them leaving Link and a pile of ashes in the room.  
  
Link moaned in a weak voice. He fell on the ground and then blanked out.  
  
**_Meanwhile at the Castle  
  
_**I bet that stick sure helped Link! The King and his Yes men laughed in synchronization.  
  
One of the Yes men imitated Link, Hey look! I'm dumb and live in a forest with fairies and I can use a stick to help me from tripping over treasure chests because I'm too dumb to use MY TWO EYES! The King and the yes men continued to laugh in their usual creepy way.   
  
A royal messenger rushed into the throne room.   
  
This better be good, I'm making fun of morons again and I hate to be interrupted when I do that, The King bellowed.  
  
Your majesty..... The messenger was out of breath, ......Navi is dead! We found her under a pile of 50 axes and Link knocked. We found them in some hole in the ground.  
  
WHOO HOOOO! The Yes men and the King all cheered in unison, NAVI IS DEAD!  
  
And treasure chests keep appearing around the kingdom, sir. I think Link might now a thing or two about what is going on but right know he's still out cold in the castle hospital......: The messenger went on.  
  
WHO CARES ABOUT TREASURE CHESTS! NAVI IS DEAD! The King cheered. This is a special occasion that calls for a giant parade and a big party where everyone drinks beer!  
  
As Hyrule geared up for a giant party a shadowed figure watched from far away. Although Navi being dead sure was a cause for excitement, the figure had other plans. the figure muttered. The Mother Of All Treasure Chests might be dead but the figure's plans were all on track.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 6!  
  
- Whew took a while to write. Hope ya'll like it.... now give me reviews a plenty!


	6. Chapter 6

Here be chapter 6! It is longer than the other chapters too so let's all rejoice!  
  
**Mystery of the Random Chests  
  
**Chapter 6:  
  
Throughout Hyrule everyone celebrated the death of Navi. A giant party was thrown at Lon Lon Ranch, where the last party when Gannondorf was defeated, was held. Everyone danced and sang songs that usually had NAVI IS DEAD! repeated over and over as the lyrics.  
  
The King of Hyrule sat next to King Zora and chugged down an entire keg of beer in one gulp. He then threw some chickens in his mouth and washed them down with another keg of beer.  
  
Your majesty, perhaps you should lay off the alcohol.... King Zora stated.  
  
You're kidding.... The king said as he threw two kegs in his mouth and swallowed them, Navi's death is a cause for celebration! Anyways, because I'm so fat, the alcohol spreads very thin in my blood.  
  
King Zora noted. While King Zora was large, the King of Hyrule towered over him.  
  
What's this? The King of Hyrule asked, holding up a treasure chest, I was trying to grab another keg of beer and I grab this instead....  
  
That's a treasure chest King Zora answered.  
  
Oh almost forgot about the out of control treasure chests..... The King mumbled flinging the treasure chest high in the air, Oh well these problems always solve themselves. The king drank several more kegs of beer and than started singing NAVI IS DEAD! with everyone else. He soon forgot all about the treasure chests.  
  
**_Meanwhile at Hyrule Castle  
  
_** Link moaned as he groggily stepped out of the castle hospital bed. M... ma.... Mario...... Link mumbled.  
  
Oh no another moron is hallucinating again! cried a nurse.  
  
Not another one! cried another nurse.  
  
Oh goddesses, don't they ever stop hallucinating? cried even another nurse.  
  
Where's the doctor? called another random nurse.  
  
W... wha.... where's mario? Link turned to the nearest nurse.  
  
Mario doesn't exist, the nurse reassured Link You are just very injured and were hallucinating about a short fat guy with a mustache who ate magical mushrooms. I can assure such a thing couldn't exist in the real world.  
  
Wha... what about the treasure chests?...... Link asked groggily walking towards the nurse.  
  
Suddenly a treasure chest crashed through the ceiling and conveniently landed right in front of Link.  
  
Link screamed as he tripped over the treasure chest. Link skidded across the squeaky clean hospital floor (it is cleaned all the time to get rid of germs) for several meters.  
  
One of the smarter nurses knelled down by the chest and examined it, From the looks of the chest's velocity, direction, and rate of decent, I calculate that this treasure chest came from Lon Lon Ranch.  
  
That's it! Link yelped. The chests must be coming from Lon Lon Ranch, I remember the King talking about how treasure chests were raised in farms or ranches or something.... With that Link set off to Lon Lon Ranch, for once with a clear idea of what he was doing, in his head.  
  
_What? How? I can.... Think! _Link thought. _Aren't I supposed to be a moron? Wait, I remember.... navi died! That must be it, it was navi who was the source of my moroness. She was always annoying and giving me stupid advice. She made me go insane and pretty much all my brain shut down. _Link marched towards Lon Lon Ranch with new intelligence and purpose, which was to stop the treasure chests from breeding anymore and put a stop to the evil behind it all.  
  
Too bad there was nothing to find there but a party full of drunk people.....  
  
**_And now at Lon Lon Ranch!  
_**  
NAVI IS DEAD! everyone sang loudly.  
NAVI IS DEAD!   
NAVI IS DEAD!   
NAVI IS DEAD!   
YEY NAVI IS DEAD!   
  
Link looked at the party, wide eyed. People were fighting, singing, and drinking beer. Link decided to go talk to the King. He wasn't too hard for Link to spot.  
  
Excuse me... Link interrupted one of the King's jokes  
  
Sooo i picked up this treasure chest and didn't think much of it but then i flicked it and it flew off somewhere. But now that I think about it, I bet it fell in front of that moron Link and he tripped over it! The King laughed along with his royal yes men who followed him everywhere and King Zora.  
  
HAHA what do you think Link's face would look like if he tripped over that chest? laughed King Zora.  
  
Link this! The King of Hyrule laughed while making a stupid looking face with his eyes squinted and his mouth lopsided. Everyone laughed.  
  
Excuse me! Link yelled above the King's laughing.  
  
Wh... what?! The King of Hyrule looked down at Link, Oh didn't see you in my gigantic shadow there Link.  
  
Yes yes the king, his great royalness and fatness, the King of Hyrule says you were hiding in his gigantic shadow, The King's royal yes men said to Link in their usual synchronized creepiness.  
  
The yes men totally changed Links train of thought from thinking of how mean the King was to how creepy the yes men are. Those yes men are soooooooo friggin' creepy! Link blurted out.  
  
Well then, could you go away? The King asked the yes men.  
  
The yes men all said at the same time.  
  
So what is it you want Link? The King asked.  
  
Link began, Well it was about a treasure chest I tripped over in the castle hospital but you seemed to have answered that question while insulting me.... hey you insulted me!  
  
Well yeah you're a moron! The King bellowed. Everyone at the party laughed.  
  
Well you're a moron! Link yelled at the King. Everybody at the party then laughed at the King.  
  
Link's insult totally caught the King off guard so he yelled Link, you are an idiotic moron! for more insultingness than just   
  
Link tried to think of a comeback, Link scratched his head ................... well......... well.................. well YOUR MOM! Link finally blurted out. Everyone at the party gasped.  
  
Well you have no friends! the King insulted Link.  
  
Well you are fat! Link looked at the king, I mean... very very very very very very fat!  
  
You're a lefty! The King bellowed.  
  
Well you can't use a sword if your life depended on it! Link insulted the King.  
  
Well, that's because I don't NEED as sword, while a weakling like you does. I just have to sit on something that usually kills it! the King snorted  
  
**_Meanwhile at the Iron Knuckle Factory  
  
_**That's the 3rd time you've been late for ax teleporting this week employee number 1 argued.  
  
Don't blame me, my car broke down. Plus you were the one who was supposed to be paying attention to when an Iron Knuckle snaps its fingers so you can hit the _Teleport Ax_ button, employee number 2 argued back. I bet you were sleeping on the job again.  
  
So, the coffee machine is broken. How am I supposed to stay awake without coffee? employee number 1 said.  
  
What, do I look like the coffee man? employee number 2 replied.  
  
Hey you aren't the one with the 10 hour shifts! employee number 1 complained, How am I supposed to get any sleep?  
  
Maybe if you stopped stopped watching Cartoon Network all night, you would! employee number 2 pointed out.  
  
But Adult Swim is the greatest..... employee number 1 trailed off.  
  
The generic boss of the Iron Knuckle Factory stepped in. He was slightly overweight, wearing a white shirt and a tie. Are you two aware of what happened several days ago? The generic boss asked. For some reason, the axes didn't teleport to Iron Knuckle 2568 when it snapped it's fingers at the right time.   
  
It was his fault! employee number 1 pointed to employee number 2.  
  
No, it was his fault! employee number 2 pointed to employee number 1.  
  
The generic boss cleared his through signaling for the employees to stop, And because of this incident, the Iron Knuckle was lost............ but in the process NAVI WAS KILLED! You are both going to be rewarded with a big fat promotion and a nice bonus.  
  
employees 1 and 2 cheered.  
  
**_And now in Kokiri Forest_**  
  
All the Kokiri left for the party at Lon Lon Ranch to celebrate Navi's death... all except one. Mido sat in his house atop his high platform that he usually stood on grumbling about how lame Link was, ...Link is stupid. I hate Link. If Link was an ant i'd squish him. If it wasn't for him I'd probably be married to Saria now! oh and I'd probably rule the world! But nooooooooo Link had to come and screw everything up because he's soooooo stupid! Mido smirked. His plan to get rid of Link was right on track. Mido pulled out his Programming For Dumbies And Lame Forest Leaders book and his insult list. He was intent on finally finishing off Link once and for all. Mido read from his programming book. A treasure chest appeared in front of him. That person who gave me this programming book was really cool, Mido said to himself. This book gives me control of treasure chests. I have no idea on how it works but hey! 11001010101011 Mido said. The treasure chest disappeared. Mido smirked and headed off towards the Lost Woods.  
  
Mido said to himself The Lost Woods leads to a lot of places, I'm sure one way leads to where Links is. After a long time of wandering around and getting lost Mido found an archway. Humph, this better lead to Link so I can finally be rid of him. Mido stepped through the archway and into Goron City.  
  
Suddenly a rock stood up and said Yo Dawg!  
  
Eeeeeep a talking rock! Mido screamed.  
  
Another rock stood up and said Wazzzzzzzup homie! Mido screamed and ran out of Goron City as fast as his small feet could carry him.  
  
One of the Gorons laughed Now that was the shiznit!   
  
Mido ran all the way down Death Mountain and through some village and all the way to Lon Lon Ranch.  
  
The King of Hyrule bellowed ....and you Link, are a tree hugging hippie! I mean you friggin' live in a tree!  
  
And you smell like turd! Link yelled back at the King.  
  
That's because you are right here! The King responded  
  
Link scratched his head trying to think of a comeback. Mido came screaming into Lon Lon Ranch. Mido ran past Link and as he did, Link grabbed Mido's insult list out of his hand. Mido started running in little circles screaming Rocks can't talk! rocks can't talk! Rocks can't talk!  
  
Link cleared his throat and read from Mido's insult list, And you, your majesty, are a chicken foot, light bulb, car washing, eye walking, freak thing!  
  
Mido suddenly realized his insult list was missing. He looked up and saw Link holding it and smirked, So Link, this is finally it!  
  
Link said as he turned around to face Mido.  
  
I'm going to kill you, Mido stated.  
  
The King's yes men all freaked out in unison, Oh no oh no oh no... we're scared! They started running in little circles.  
  
Link felt the urge to laugh but he suppressed and simply replied with sarcasm, And what are you going to do? Beat me with deku sticks?  
  
Oh no Link... much worse. Much worse indeed. In fact I know your worst weakness, Mido said as he pulled out his programming book.  
  
And what is that? Link Asked.  
  
Mido looked up from the book and laughed, Well duh it's treasure chests!  
  
Link felt anger swarm up in him. He drew his sword and yelled It's you! You're the one who is causing the whole treasure chest problem!   
  
Mido simply smiled as he read from the book, A single normal sized treasure chest appeared, as if out of thin air, between Link and Mido. Mido laughed, Let's see you get past that! Hahaha!  
  
Link felt a drop of sweat slide down his cheek. He raised his sword in the air, No Mido, not this time. I will not trip!. Link started walking towards Mido slowly. The closer he got to the treasure chest in-between them, Mido's grin grew wider.  
  
Mido sneered, I don't think so Mr. No Fairy. You are a moron!  
  
Link stopped right in front of the treasure chest separating him and Mido. Link said Navi is what made me a moron. Now that she is dead I'm no longer stupid. So here comes Mr. No Fairy to give you an ass-whippin' for all the havoc you've been causing. Link simply stepped around the chest and charged at Mido with his sword held high.  
  
Mido didn't have time to react as Link's sword sliced at him from every direction. Mido stumbled back and fell on the ground. He searched his pockets for anything useful. He pulled out his _How Many Times Link Has Fallen Out Of His House _Checklist and held it in front his face. Aha this'll stop you, Mido said.  
  
Link cleanly chopped the piece of paper in half and the two halves fluttered down to the ground. Link pulled out a fire arrow and shot both pieces. They disappeared in the flames. I always hated that checklist, Link stated.  
  
Link lowered his sword to Mido's throat and said Oh now this is funny. Hey Mido why don't you ummmmmm... squawk like a bird.   
  
Link suddenly realized that Mido was also surrounded by a dozen royal guards. Well looks like we caught the one responsible for breaking into the treasure chest farms, one of the guards stated.  
  
Another guard pulled out a scroll, cleared his throat, and began to read from it, You are under arrest by the order of the great King of Hyrule. You have the right to blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. You are charged with trespassing, something involving treasure chests that no one cares about, and illegally downloading copyrighted music off the internet. You shall be thrown into the dungeon of Hyrule Castle to await your trial. The guards dragged Mido off kicking and screaming.  
  
Link sighed, Awww man I wanted to hear him squawk.  
  
The King said to Link, So.. that's mido... he really is an idiot isn't he?  
  
Link answered.  
  
The King smirked, Well Mido isn't as much of an idiot as you are.  
  
Link sighed as he looked off into the distance wishing he could hear mido squawk. Wait a minute!  
  
the King bellowed.  
  
Link burned with furry, Well too bad your brain isn't as nearly as big as your body!  
  
The Kind suddenly stopped laughing and looked at Link with piercing eyes. How dare you! he stammered at Link.  
  
Hahahahaha face it!, Link said. I'm better than you at insulting!  
  
No you're not! the King yelled angrily  
  
Yes I am! Link yelled back  
  
No you're not!  
  
Yes I am!  
  
No you're not!  
  
Yes I am!  
  
No you're not!  
  
Yes I am!  
  
Both Link and the King continued for hours until their throats became so dry and hurt they couldn't speak anymore. After the party Link went back to his home in the forest. He began thinking of all the ways he could make Mido squawk during the trial. As Link lay in his bed his thoughts drifted from making Mido sqack too how much sleep he was going to get without Mido running around banging his bell yelling Get up all you tree huggers! Time to eat bark for breakfast! Link soon fell asleep.  
  
-Well that's it for this rather long chapter :) Stay tuned for **The Trial** in the next glorious chatper 7! 


End file.
